“If you have a kink or fetish be brave enough to let the person you love know the whole you from the start” – Diego Abrams
At what time is the right time for you and a potential partner to start talking about your likes and dislikes sexually? I think this greatly depends on exactly what you would be discussing. Let me explain.
To me this is not one conversation, but instead, a series of conversations over a period of time. Let’s take a look at what i think those conversations should be about.
The first sex conversation – This conversation should happen almost immediately after it has become clear that you are both into each other and sex is an inevitable conclusion.
What should this conversation be about? The basics. First, you simply must have some type of conversations about birth control (Who is on it and how you both want to tackle it). Second, there should be some type of STD talk. Have you had one? If so what where the circumstances and the end result? What are each of your thoughts on avoiding them? Are you on the same page? How do you manage risk? The first sex talk isn’t going to end up too sexy. It should really about logistics.
If you are on the same page about birth control and STD risk aversion, then you should at least have some type of talk about your deal breakers and turn-ons. This should be a light conversation about the very basics, nothing too deep. Again, this is more about just making sure you two are on the same page from the start. There is simply nothing worse that finding out after the action starts that your idea of a good time and theirs are vastly different.
So let’s talk about when that second, much more detailed talk should happen.
So you both have had sex…with each other! You’ve had it more than once and have decided that you like what you have seen so far. In fact, you both get along fantastic and are thinking of making your burgeoning relationship more serious. You want to start spending more time together and you think of each other as a couple, or in my case, a trouple.
It is at that time you both need to sit each other down and tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth about everything sexually.
Look, we generally screw like bunnies at the start of the relationship, but is that our normal tempo? Is the sex you are having now what you want to be the norm forever? Are there options sexually you want to leave open for some time in the future?
That second talk is going to be much more difficult for most of you, but all the more crucial if you are going to have a happy and healthy relationship and sex life with someone long term.
At some point early on you need to set down any potential long term commitment, be it a relationship long term commitment or sexual one, and talk about your desires and their expectations.
So what are we looking to get out of this conversation? A few things. First, it is absolutely crucial to make sure you and any long term partner be on the same page sexually. The most important aspect of that is that you have matched libidos. You can tell yourself that it won’t matter, that you can adapt to their higher or lower libido, but the reality is – it’s a relationship death sentence long term.
Now is this always the case? No, but the exceptions are so rare that they are almost not worth mentioning. The one that comes to mind is those rare couples that really love each other and understand the importance of sex in a relationship that agree to open things up for the partner with the higher libido to see other people. Now even then most of those relationship are bound to fail unless that couple has high end communication skills and understanding coupled with a real security in each other’s commitment and security in what they bring to the table.
However, why go there if you can avoid it? You avoid it by having this conversation early on with an understanding that the outcome very well might be a deal breaker for one or both of you.
If you find out your libidos don’t match? You have to walk away. You cannot go through the pain and drama coming at you sooner or later.
So great, you found out you have the same libidos what else is there to know? Well, the other part of this conversation needs to be about your fantasy life. You and your partner both need to lay it all out on the table. Everything. You need to speak about what you fantasize about when you masturbate or when you are with your partner and you need to talk about things you hope to make a reality in the future. You also need to speak of what you are okay keeping fantasy, and what you want to work toward making a reality.
Time to talk tough.
If your know damn well you don’t want to die without having a FFM threesome, this is the time to tell them that.
If you know you really want to try group sex, say it now or forever hold your peace.
If you are not as straight as you have lead your partner to believe, and you know this might be an issue sometime in the future. Here is your chance.
If anal sex is a must for you,giving or receiving, better speak up.
If oral sex simply must be part of the discussion, say it now.
If bondage, submission/dominance is something you know you are geared towards, say it now.
I don’t care how outlandish your thing might be, you better damn well tell any potential long term commitment what it is.
Public sex, foot fetish, cross dressing – Let it all out.
Lastly, you better be prepared to hear things you might not expect. You need to be an adult about this conversation. We all have our things and this is no time for judgement about anything. Hear them out, Listen to what they are telling you is important to them and tell them what is important to you.
This is the time for the ultimate in communication, cooperation, compassion and compromise. Yes compromise. Think long and hard about what you are listening to and ask yourself “Is this person worth me compromising sexually?” I mean real compromise, the type without blame and resentment attached to it. Is what they are asking for something I can not only live with, but embrace because I love them? More than likely, you will also be asking them to do the same for you, but maybe not.
If the answer is no, it is a deal breaker, than you have to walk away. You walk away for you, and even more so, for them. If you ask them to ditch their desires for as as a condition of your long term relationship, you are asking them to lie to you…and they will. If you are telling them their desires are gross and disgusting, they will bury them in shame for now. For now. If the answer is no, you go find someone that matches what you are willing to give.
If the answer is yes, you think you can accommodate their potential desires now and in the future, then you stick to that. You do it without anger, resentment or blame, You do it out of love.
A caveat to this – If you don’t lay all your kink cards out on the table early, you have only yourself to blame when you find out a year, two years, five years or ten years down the line that they are deal breakers for your partner. They aren’t to blame. You are.
Also, if you, ten years down the line decide that something you never spoke about is so important to you sexually that you simple must do it. You have an obligation to speak up immediately about it and must accept that you changing your boundaries does not mean they also have to change theirs. You better be prepared for this all important thing to also mean the end of your relationship.
This is one of the many topics I will be talking about in my Relationships 301 series. I hope you tune in and if you have questions or comments, by all means post them or write to me privately.
I am going to try to keep this as brief as possible. I am going to just keep it the facts and deal with reason and reality.
Sex is just another thing humans do, like eating, like breathing, like talking, and like thinking.
Ever single notion you have about sex is just that. It’s a notion. It’s your thoughts, be they productive or not productive. Your notions about when to have it, why to do it, with whom you should do it, and how it should be done are your opinion. They aren’t reality.
If you are struggling with the issues around sex, be it issues of guilt, issues of what kind of sex is appropriate, when it should happen and when it shouldn’t, you simply must understand that all your problems are self induced. They are all in your head and they are all easily fixable by changing how you think and thus how you feel.
My thoughts here are not to advocate how you should be having sex, how much you should be having, or not having it, or even when and where you should be having sex. My thoughts, are to say that if you are emotionally disturbed by any aspect with it, then your thoughts about sex are to blame. Your thoughts about it are what is keeping you from being a happy and healthy person. If you want to feel better, you simple must address the negative self talk you are having.
I have spoken a lot about your thoughts begetting your feelings but with sex we have a particularly problem. We, as humans, want sex. We want physical intimacy. Even more than that, it’s a need. We have an innate drive to have it. We have an innate drive to masturbate. Those real needs often conflict to what we have been told we should be doing.
Now we have caused a problem. We have a drive, like hunger, that we are told to ignore. We have an urge we need to fulfill but have been told those wants and desires are wrong. or at least only appropriate under very specific circumstances. This is going to lead to emotionally distress. It can’t help but do so.
So the cure to the problem? Rational thinking. We have to understand that how we think about sex is keeping us from being happy and healthy people. They are causing us emotional distress. We have to each set our own personal boundaries sexually and be honestly okay with them. If we are not, then we have to readjust our boundaries or actions until we find our peace.
This will look different for each of us. For some, it will mean being okay with casual sex. For others, it might just mean coming to a place where they are okay with masturbation. For still others, maybe it means a personal boundary that includes no sex before a long term commitment.
An important thing to remember is that there is no “right” answer to this. The only answer is the answer you come up with that allows you to be a happy and healthy person, meaning, the answer that allows you to avoid negative self-talk about your actions.
There is no universal morality. There is only your path and that path must be one where you allow yourself to be human and happy.
Lastly, and most importantly, we cannot label ourselves or others based on sexual choices. We cannot value or devalue others based on any one thing. We, as humans, are the sum total of all our choices and actions, not just one. Some will agree and disagree with every choice we make. We cannot allow our decisions to be about what others will think, but instead it has to be about what allows us to be emotionally healthy people. It is all that really matters.
This is just a bit of a much longer conversation I would have, but it is my thoughts of the day.
I expect this to evolve with time, but this is my starting point.
Life without Strife Series outline :
- Setting your goals for life.
- Obstacles to your life goals – Anger and other non-productive emotions.
- A life without trauma.
- Sex without guilt.
- I am entitled to nothing.
- Avoiding Labels.
- Life without control.
- Choosing not to take offense.
- Who are you?
- Everything in perspective.
- Avoiding projection.
- Dealing with work.
- Death and tragedy – Life’s stumbling blocks.
This is not set in stone, but the outline I am using to move forward. Each section would be its own video with transcript.
Relationships 301 outline:
- Setting your goals for relationships.
- What is love?
- The importance of intimacy and sex.
- Obstacles to your goals – Ownership and Control.
- Giving as a way to achieve goals.
- Resentment and Blame. Enemies to your goals.
- Elimination of resentment and blame.
- Communication and truth telling.
- Setting personal boundaries/Killing magical love fairies.
- Unreasonable and reasonable expectations.
- Why do relationships end and how are we now inoculated against it.
- Knowing when to say no and walk away.
- Friends and family relationships.
- Navigating parenthood.
- Saving relationships you are already in.
- Choosing the right partner.
Trauma isn’t about what was done to you, but instead, it’s all about what you are telling yourself about the event. – Diego Abrams
In my day, trauma was reserved for the big stuff. Losing a loved one, being in combat, being severely abused as a child or something along these lines.
Today, I was reading a few pages of a blog where people were talking about “trauma”. They spoke of being criticized online, having a cousin masturbate in front of them when they were teens, and daddy not being as physically affectionate to them as they wished. I think maybe we’ve gone astray.
So how does this all tie into everything I talk about in my Foundations series? If we feel the way we think, as has been shown by so many scientists over the last forty years or so, then it would seem that trauma itself is a condition whereas we get stuck in negative feedback loops about an activating event. (If you are unfamiliar with these terms I would urge you to watch or read my Foundations series).
So how did we get from my generation where an activating event needed to be something so severe to trigger a negative feedback loop to today where just someone disagreeing with a person can send them scurrying for a safe space?
Somewhere along the line we stopped telling kids of all ages that they were not responsible for themselves and their emotions. We went from “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” to telling our youth that words hurt. That certain words have some magical power to traumatize them.
Once we told them that sound waves from someone else’s vocal chords had power over their emotions it was an easy step for these children to conclude that they were powerless to stop their emotions. That they were blameless for their own reactions to words. Now if words can hurt them so much, anything beyond words must be devastating. A fight at school? Traumatized for life. A family member not showing love? A life altering action.
We are now so far removed from the reality that we feel the way we think that it’s almost impossible for what I teach to get through to people of my children’s generation. They simply cannot fathom that they are the cause of their own emotional disturbances. Our current grade schools, colleges and universities are so invested in this idea that words hurt that they are now actively lobbying against free speech (See the events at Yale recently). They are implicit in telling and teaching our kids that it’s somebody else’s fault when they get upset.
Why is this such an important topic? If we are no longer teaching people that they control themselves and their emotions we are headed for a mental health catastrophe. In reality, we are already there. We medicate our youth and ourselves to treat any emotions we deem unacceptable. We drag our kids and ourselves into the doctors office and demand that they give us a pill so we can stop being miserable. We demand that people watch what they say to us because their words might hurt us. We call criticism bullying or bigotry. We tell the world that words written on a page have as much an impact on us as war on soldiers. We have, in general, stopped trying to do the single most important thing we can do to help ourselves – teach ourselves that how we think of an event will control how we feel about an event. It’s just so much easier to take that pill instead and feel nothing at all.
We don’t understand that we have the power within ourselves, with work, to overcome any trauma. We can overcome most all that mentally disturbs us, we just have to give ourselves the opportunity. We fail to understand that words, not matter what they are, no matter what the intent of the person using them, cannot hurt us unless we let them. If we cannot understand that, then what hope is there that we, as a society, will ever understand that our past cannot effect our present unless we let it? That, like words, things not actively happening to us now cannot effect our present. It is what we tell ourselves about that past that effects our now.
Things to think on.