It’s amazing to me that so many otherwise intelligent people still believe in magic. What is this I say? Yes magic!
They believe that little magical love fairies follow us normal people around and when we least expect it… shoot us in the ass with love arrows!
I am being a bit flippant here, but there is a much larger point here. Love does not just happen to you. You aren’t just walking down the street and BAM love arrows hit you. You feel the way you think. There has been over 40 years of research based on this statement. It’s not an opinion, it’s how we, as humans, operate.
So how does that love happen? Well it’s all about how you think about a person. It can happen in a few ways – quickly, or over time. Let’s handle those quick “love feelings” first.
You meet that guy and you are already attracted to him. Many times it’s just something about his looks, the mannerisms, his voice or smell. It could be many things that start that initial attraction. That initial attraction starts a chain of thoughts off in your head. You might tell yourself – Oh, I want to get to know him better, or, he’s got such a great smile I just know he’s a nice guy.
Those initial positive thoughts you have about him can sometimes cause what I like to call a positive feedback loop. The more positive things you tell yourself about the guy, the more you feel positive emotions toward him. The more positive emotions, the more positive things you find to tell yourself about him which feeds even stronger emotions.
The only problem with this happening is that too often we get so caught up in that positive feedback loop we get rose colored glasses about that person – those glasses allow up to completely gloss over any negatives about him.
However, other times you start out that positive feed back loop in your head, and while talking to him, some drastic deal breaker hits. You find out he’s married, a smoker, etc. That large negative can snap you out of the loop.
The other way love seems to happen is over time. You might meet a guy, think he’s alright, and then circumstances bring you in close proximity. It could be through work, through interactions with friends or whatnot. It’s through that close interaction that you might end up finding positive traits about that person. You might say, “mmm I never noticed how caring a guy Dan is” or “The more I spend time with Dan, the more I seem to like him” Those positive statement, just like before, are likely to beget more positive statements. When you’ve said enough positive things about a person you will start to develop feelings about that person. Those feelings didn’t come out of nowhere, they were brought on by your thoughts of the person.
It is important to understand this because it puts the responsibility for your feelings back onto you. You can’t blame the little love fairy for your choices in partners. You have to look in the mirror instead.
When you have found yourself in love with the wrong person you have to take responsibility for overlooking the signs that this wasn’t a good match for you. You have to honest with yourself that you were wearing those rose colored glasses that enabled you to be where you are now.
Just as your thoughts can create love for you, thoughts are what ends that love too. Your falling out of love is proceeded my a chain of negative thoughts about that same person. “He doesn’t want to spend time with me”, “he’s just horrible in bed” or “I can’t believe he behaves the way he does”. It’s those thoughts that lead to resentment that eventually lead to those feelings of love fading away.
I will be speaking extensively on this subject in my “Relationships 301” series coming soon. For now, let’s all start taking responsibility for ourselves and our emotions and stop the silly belief in magical love fairies.