I am going to try to keep this as brief as possible. I am going to just keep it the facts and deal with reason and reality.
Sex is just another thing humans do, like eating, like breathing, like talking, and like thinking.
Ever single notion you have about sex is just that. It’s a notion. It’s your thoughts, be they productive or not productive. Your notions about when to have it, why to do it, with whom you should do it, and how it should be done are your opinion. They aren’t reality.
If you are struggling with the issues around sex, be it issues of guilt, issues of what kind of sex is appropriate, when it should happen and when it shouldn’t, you simply must understand that all your problems are self induced. They are all in your head and they are all easily fixable by changing how you think and thus how you feel.
My thoughts here are not to advocate how you should be having sex, how much you should be having, or not having it, or even when and where you should be having sex. My thoughts, are to say that if you are emotionally disturbed by any aspect with it, then your thoughts about sex are to blame. Your thoughts about it are what is keeping you from being a happy and healthy person. If you want to feel better, you simple must address the negative self talk you are having.
I have spoken a lot about your thoughts begetting your feelings but with sex we have a particularly problem. We, as humans, want sex. We want physical intimacy. Even more than that, it’s a need. We have an innate drive to have it. We have an innate drive to masturbate. Those real needs often conflict to what we have been told we should be doing.
Now we have caused a problem. We have a drive, like hunger, that we are told to ignore. We have an urge we need to fulfill but have been told those wants and desires are wrong. or at least only appropriate under very specific circumstances. This is going to lead to emotionally distress. It can’t help but do so.
So the cure to the problem? Rational thinking. We have to understand that how we think about sex is keeping us from being happy and healthy people. They are causing us emotional distress. We have to each set our own personal boundaries sexually and be honestly okay with them. If we are not, then we have to readjust our boundaries or actions until we find our peace.
This will look different for each of us. For some, it will mean being okay with casual sex. For others, it might just mean coming to a place where they are okay with masturbation. For still others, maybe it means a personal boundary that includes no sex before a long term commitment.
An important thing to remember is that there is no “right” answer to this. The only answer is the answer you come up with that allows you to be a happy and healthy person, meaning, the answer that allows you to avoid negative self-talk about your actions.
There is no universal morality. There is only your path and that path must be one where you allow yourself to be human and happy.
Lastly, and most importantly, we cannot label ourselves or others based on sexual choices. We cannot value or devalue others based on any one thing. We, as humans, are the sum total of all our choices and actions, not just one. Some will agree and disagree with every choice we make. We cannot allow our decisions to be about what others will think, but instead it has to be about what allows us to be emotionally healthy people. It is all that really matters.
This is just a bit of a much longer conversation I would have, but it is my thoughts of the day.