Thoughts of the Day – Shootings in Dallas and Tennessee 7/8/16

I want to again speak about a subject I touched on after the Florida shootings. People want to know how to end this violence. People want answers on what needs to be taught to end these cycles. I know that answer and have written about it extensively. It’s time people start reading it and spreading the word.

If you want to reduce or nearly end the shootings and violence as a whole, “them” needs to change to “us”. We protect “us” and hurt “them”. Well isn’t that a nice slogan? Seems the ultimate no shit statement eh?

Well I offer a solution that can and will do this. Start teaching humans that we are the sum total of our actions and attributes, NOT any one or two of them. It is the key to self worth and it is the key to seeing others as more than just a black man, a white man, a christian man, gay woman, a bisexual man, a jew, a tutsi, a man, woman, transgendered, atheist, rich, poor or any other adjective that describes a single attribute of a human. I am not any one of my attributes. I am not any one of my actions. I am not any one of my ideas, I am not just my beliefs, I am not any of my millions of interactions with others. I am instead all of them.

That is what is meant to be human. I have more in common with every human on earth than I do not have in common. I laugh, I cry, I screw, I eat, I speak, I move, I feel, I defecate, I have human arms, legs, genitals, eyes, mouth, teeth, hair, etc. I am you and you are me. We are us.

We teach our children math, science, history, etc but we fail to teach them self worth. We fail to teach them to see themselves and others as more than any one thing. That no one, two or twenty things about them define them as a human. They are a collection and that collection resembles all other human’s collection. We are us, not them.

I urge everyone to read or listen to Part 10 of my Foundations series that addresses this.

With love,

Thoughts of the day – You have three choices. 6/27/16

2916384879_e059cae1bf_oThis is a short summary of two videos I’ve added to my Relationships 301 and Life Without Strife series and should be recording soon. It’s critical to dealing with any obstacle to your goals to be a happy and healthy human and in happy and healthy relationships.

Whenever we have identified an obstacle to our life and relationship goals we have three choices on how to move forward. Once you understand the implications behind each choice, making a productive choice becomes easier.

Option one – You can choose to not do anything productive and and remain emotionally upset over the situation. This is the choice the vast majority of people choose when confronted with an obstacle. This is the option where an individual chooses to complain about a situation without wanting to actually change the situation. We all have seen others, and likely ourselves choose this option (Most times not consciously aware this is what we are choosing).

Option two – We can choose to view the situation in a different manner that allows us to no longer see it as an obstacle to our goals. This usually takes a lot of rational thinking about a situation. For example – Your wife got drunk with friends and ends up in bed with someone not you. You can choose to see this as a one time error in judgement by her and choose not to be emotionally upset over the situation, but instead, use the activating event as a lesson to both you and her on making better choices towards your mutual goal of having a happy and healthy relationship. Or a lessor example: You might be upset about not getting the promotion you worked hard for. Instead of thinking about the event in a way that leads to unproductive emotions – bitterness and resentment – you could choose to instead focus on the things you love about your job and vow to work toward the next chance at promotion.

Option three – You can choose to change your circumstances. You could choose to leave the wife or leave the job. You can choose to no longer associate with a friend or family member. You can choose to opt our of dealing with the situation all together by changing the circumstances.

So how does one know which option to choose?

Well option one should be reserved for those that honestly don’t care to achieve their goals to be in a happy and healthy relationship and have a happy and healthy life.

So it really comes down to option two or three if we want to achieve our goals.

Option three should only be taken if option two isn’t going to realistically have a chance of success. In the examples above, if that wife has no interest in working toward a mutual goal of being in a happy and healthy relationship with you. In the second example, if your supervisor is hell bent on working against your goal of being happy and healthy at work.

Generally I advice everyone to try option two first. Find a way to think about an activating event that won’t cause emotional distress. One can always try this option first, and then seeing that it isn’t working, work toward option three.

I will speak more of these options with many more examples in my Relationships 301 and Life Without Strife videos on this subject. Be sure to watch!

With Love,

Thoughts of the day – What I was going to write. 6/14/16

I wrote a huge essay today on bullying. It was about the necessity of teaching our kids that we feel the way we think as the most successful way to combat bullying. I got to the very end and realized a sad fact. People don’t want to hear it. They want to blame and ask others to fix it. Teach kids not to bully. Good luck with that. If you don’t teach kids how to have self worth and self esteem, you will never stop bullying and almost no one is talking about how to fix that root cause, because so few people truly know the answer.

Instead I am going to plead to everyone to instead read my transcript or watch my video – Foundations part 10: Self Worth. It is the answer.


Thoughts of the day – The Orlando massacre 6/13/16


I am not sure that people on here have noticed, but I stay away from political commentary. I don’t do this to try to be non-confrontational, I do this because I believe our two party system is insane – I believe in the horseshoe political theory. Meaning that the political spectrum is not a straight line where the far left and far left are on the opposite ends of a line. Instead, the political landscape is a horseshoe. The further left or right from center you go, the closer the two sides become.

I loathe the whole thing. I do not label myself anything, which gives me the freedom to not tow any party line. It liberates me to be a free thinker, which leads me to this post.

If we are trying, as a society, to become one group, I find it inexplicable that we continually try to use wordage that singles out one group as more important that any other group. What happened in Orlando was a tragedy. 103 humans and their families are suffering. They are having to deal with real trauma, with real strife. Notice I did not label them, just described them as humans, because that is what they were.

So why are so many in the media trying to use the ridiculous wordage “hate crime”? Isn’t any murder about hate? Isn’t all terrorism about hate? Why try and attach a political agenda to this tragedy? When terrorists attacked the offices or Charlie Hebdo we didn’t call it a hate crime against satirical magazine workers – that was obvious. When terrorists struck the twin towers we didn’t call it a hate crime against capitalist workers – that was obvious. When Boko Haram kidnapped and raped women and girls in Africa we didn’t call it hate against women – that was obvious. Why do we need to call this terrorist attack a hate crime now? Because the victims were possibly not heterosexual? (I say possibly because many heterosexual people visit clubs that cater to non-heterosexual people just like the reverse).

If we, as a society, want to get to a point where we see ourselves as a whole, maybe we should stop using language meant to divide us. The humans murdered yesterday were no different than anyone else. They were the sum of their interactions with others, their bodies and their minds. They were not gay, republican, democrat, black, white, lesbian, tall, short, women or men. They were not any one single attribute but instead were whole humans. We should not be outraged because a gay man, black man, white woman, lesbian asian, transgendered person was murdered, raped, robbed, or was treated unfairly. We should be outraged that humans are doing this to other humans.

Labels divide us and allow humans to see other humans as different from themselves. Humans can justify hatred and violence to humans they see as different from themselves. If we see ourselves as not any one attribute, but instead a collective of them all, it becomes difficult to see others as different from that. They become us. We don’t harm us, we harm them.

We are not any one thing about ourselves. We are not any one of our ideologies. We are not any one interaction with others. We are not any one physical attribute. We are not any one idea. We are not our job. We are not our religious ideas. We are not our hobbies. We are not our political affiliations. We are the sum total of everything. We are all the sum total of our ideas, our physical attributes, our jobs, our loves, our wants, our desires, our hobbies. We are thousands of things and not any one, two or twenty things, we are all of them or none of them.

We cannot hope to start reducing violence and hate among humans until we stop dividing ourselves. Stop labeling ourselves based on one or two attributes and instead understand that we are many things. Some attributes will be different, and some the same. There is no us, and there is no them.

With love,

Thoughts of the Day – An obstacle to being happy in life and in relationships.

Today I wanted to talk a bit about an obstacle that many find either thrust into their path by their partners, family, or friends or one that they place in their own way of being happy and happy in a relationship; drugs and alcohol.

One of the best sayings I’ve ever come across is “Everything in moderation”. which is a simple statement with a heavy hammer of a message. You can do just about anything in life as long as you do not become obsessed with it. It’s when something becomes so important that you MUST do it that it becomes an issue.

You feel the way you think. When you add alcohol or drugs, you lose the ability to control your thoughts, and thus your emotional state. That can be fun once in a while, but is a real problem when it becomes the norm instead of the exception.

If our goals are to be in a happy and healthy relationship and be happy in life, we simply must make the decision to stay away from obstacles to those goals. Abusing drugs and alcohol are obstacles. If you are placing your need to do them above your need to be in a happy relationship or live a happy life, then you have only yourself to answer to. Don’t complain when you find out that abusing drugs and/or alcohol isn’t compatible to having a successful relationship or life. It’s obvious to the rest of us.

With love,

Thoughts of the Day – What is your goal in life? 6/3/16


2916384879_e059cae1bf_oWhat is your overriding goal in life? What one goal is above all others? Do you know? Do you have one?

For me, this answer is clear and has been for over ten years. My goal is to be a happy and healthy person. Everything else comes secondary to that.

I have other goals, one of which is to be in happy and healthy relationships and another is to help others become happy and mentally healthy people, however, in my pursuit of these other two goals, I cannot let them them interfere with my primary goal. It just cannot happen.

This single issue is what I build my whole theory on how to live a happy and mentally healthy life and how to be in happy and healthy relationships upon.

My entire system is based on a simple premise. If my goal is to be a happy and healthy person than I must learn to identify and remove the obstacles to reaching that goal. Those obstacles will come in two forms. The obstacles we create, which is the vast majority, and the obstacles that others create for us.

Learn more by liking this page and/or bookmarking my website here at

With love,

Thoughts of the Day – Laying out your kink cards 6/31/16


At what time is the right time for you and a potential partner to start talking about your likes and dislikes sexually? I think this greatly depends on exactly what you would be discussing. Let me explain.

To me this is not one conversation, but instead, a series of conversations over a period of time. Let’s take a look at what i think those conversations should be about.

The first sex conversation – This conversation should happen almost immediately after it has become clear that you are both into each other and sex is an inevitable conclusion.

What should this conversation be about? The basics. First, you simply must have some type of conversations about birth control (Who is on it and how you both want to tackle it). Second, there should be some type of STD talk. Have you had one? If so what where the circumstances and the end result? What are each of your thoughts on avoiding them? Are you on the same page? How do you manage risk? The first sex talk isn’t going to end up too sexy. It should really about logistics.

If you are on the same page about birth control and STD risk aversion, then you should at least have some type of talk about your deal breakers and turn-ons. This should be a light conversation about the very basics, nothing too deep. Again, this is more about just making sure you two are on the same page from the start. There is simply nothing worse that finding out after the action starts that your idea of a good time and theirs are vastly different.

So let’s talk about when that second, much more detailed talk should happen.

So you both have had sex…with each other! You’ve had it more than once and have decided that you like what you have seen so far. In fact, you both get along fantastic and are thinking of making your burgeoning relationship more serious. You want to start spending more time together and you think of each other as a couple, or in my case, a trouple.

It is at that time you both need to sit each other down and tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth about everything sexually.

Look, we generally screw like bunnies at the start of the relationship, but is that our normal tempo? Is the sex you are having now what you want to be the norm forever? Are there options sexually you want to leave open for some time in the future?

That second talk is going to be much more difficult for most of you, but all the more crucial if you are going to have a happy and healthy relationship and sex life with someone long term.

At some point early on you need to set down any potential long term commitment, be it a relationship long term commitment or sexual one, and talk about your desires and their expectations.

So what are we looking to get out of this conversation? A few things. First, it is absolutely crucial to make sure you and any long term partner be on the same page sexually. The most important aspect of that is that you have matched libidos. You can tell yourself that it won’t matter, that you can adapt to their higher or lower libido, but the reality is – it’s a relationship death sentence long term.

Now is this always the case? No, but the exceptions are so rare that they are almost not worth mentioning. The one that comes to mind is those rare couples that really love each other and understand the importance of sex in a relationship that agree to open things up for the partner with the higher libido to see other people. Now even then most of those relationship are bound to fail unless that couple has high end communication skills and understanding coupled with a real security in each other’s commitment and security in what they bring to the table.

However, why go there if you can avoid it? You avoid it by having this conversation early on with an understanding that the outcome very well might be a deal breaker for one or both of you.

If you find out your libidos don’t match? You have to walk away. You cannot go through the pain and drama coming at you sooner or later.

So great, you found out you have the same libidos what else is there to know? Well, the other part of this conversation needs to be about your fantasy life. You and your partner both need to lay it all out on the table. Everything. You need to speak about what you fantasize about when you masturbate or when you are with your partner and you need to talk about things you hope to make a reality in the future. You also need to speak of what you are okay keeping fantasy, and what you want to work toward making a reality.

Time to talk tough.

If your know damn well you don’t want to die without having a FFM threesome, this is the time to tell them that.

If you know you really want to try group sex, say it now or forever hold your peace.

If you are not as straight as you have lead your partner to believe, and you know this might be an issue sometime in the future. Here is your chance.

If anal sex is a must for you,giving or receiving, better speak up.

If oral sex simply must be part of the discussion, say it now.

If bondage, submission/dominance is something you know you are geared towards, say it now.

I don’t care how outlandish your thing might be, you better damn well tell any potential long term commitment what it is.

Public sex, foot fetish, cross dressing – Let it all out.

Lastly, you better be prepared to hear things you might not expect. You need to be an adult about this conversation. We all have our things and this is no time for judgement about anything. Hear them out, Listen to what they are telling you is important to them and tell them what is important to you.

This is the time for the ultimate in communication, cooperation, compassion and compromise. Yes compromise. Think long and hard about what you are listening to and ask yourself “Is this person worth me compromising sexually?” I mean real compromise, the type without blame and resentment attached to it. Is what they are asking for something I can not only live with, but embrace because I love them? More than likely, you will also be asking them to do the same for you, but maybe not.

If the answer is no, it is a deal breaker, than you have to walk away. You walk away for you, and even more so, for them. If you ask them to ditch their desires for as as a condition of your long term relationship, you are asking them to lie to you…and they will. If you are telling them their desires are gross and disgusting, they will bury them in shame for now. For now. If the answer is no, you go find someone that matches what you are willing to give.

If the answer is yes, you think you can accommodate their potential desires now and in the future, then you stick to that. You do it without anger, resentment or blame, You do it out of love.

A caveat to this – If you don’t lay all your kink cards out on the table early, you have only yourself to blame when you find out a year, two years, five years or ten years down the line that they are deal breakers for your partner. They aren’t to blame. You are.

Also, if you, ten years down the line decide that something you never spoke about is so important to you sexually that you simple must do it. You have an obligation to speak up immediately about it and must accept that you changing your boundaries does not mean they also have to change theirs. You better be prepared for this all important thing to also mean the end of your relationship.

This is one of the many topics I will be talking about in my Relationships 301 series. I hope you tune in and if you have questions or comments, by all means post them or write to me privately.

With Love,