At what time is the right time for you and a potential partner to start talking about your likes and dislikes sexually? I think this greatly depends on exactly what you would be discussing. Let me explain.
To me this is not one conversation, but instead, a series of conversations over a period of time. Let’s take a look at what i think those conversations should be about.
The first sex conversation – This conversation should happen almost immediately after it has become clear that you are both into each other and sex is an inevitable conclusion.
What should this conversation be about? The basics. First, you simply must have some type of conversations about birth control (Who is on it and how you both want to tackle it). Second, there should be some type of STD talk. Have you had one? If so what where the circumstances and the end result? What are each of your thoughts on avoiding them? Are you on the same page? How do you manage risk? The first sex talk isn’t going to end up too sexy. It should really about logistics.
If you are on the same page about birth control and STD risk aversion, then you should at least have some type of talk about your deal breakers and turn-ons. This should be a light conversation about the very basics, nothing too deep. Again, this is more about just making sure you two are on the same page from the start. There is simply nothing worse that finding out after the action starts that your idea of a good time and theirs are vastly different.
So let’s talk about when that second, much more detailed talk should happen.
So you both have had sex…with each other! You’ve had it more than once and have decided that you like what you have seen so far. In fact, you both get along fantastic and are thinking of making your burgeoning relationship more serious. You want to start spending more time together and you think of each other as a couple, or in my case, a trouple.
It is at that time you both need to sit each other down and tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth about everything sexually.
Look, we generally screw like bunnies at the start of the relationship, but is that our normal tempo? Is the sex you are having now what you want to be the norm forever? Are there options sexually you want to leave open for some time in the future?
That second talk is going to be much more difficult for most of you, but all the more crucial if you are going to have a happy and healthy relationship and sex life with someone long term.
At some point early on you need to set down any potential long term commitment, be it a relationship long term commitment or sexual one, and talk about your desires and their expectations.
So what are we looking to get out of this conversation? A few things. First, it is absolutely crucial to make sure you and any long term partner be on the same page sexually. The most important aspect of that is that you have matched libidos. You can tell yourself that it won’t matter, that you can adapt to their higher or lower libido, but the reality is – it’s a relationship death sentence long term.
Now is this always the case? No, but the exceptions are so rare that they are almost not worth mentioning. The one that comes to mind is those rare couples that really love each other and understand the importance of sex in a relationship that agree to open things up for the partner with the higher libido to see other people. Now even then most of those relationship are bound to fail unless that couple has high end communication skills and understanding coupled with a real security in each other’s commitment and security in what they bring to the table.
However, why go there if you can avoid it? You avoid it by having this conversation early on with an understanding that the outcome very well might be a deal breaker for one or both of you.
If you find out your libidos don’t match? You have to walk away. You cannot go through the pain and drama coming at you sooner or later.
So great, you found out you have the same libidos what else is there to know? Well, the other part of this conversation needs to be about your fantasy life. You and your partner both need to lay it all out on the table. Everything. You need to speak about what you fantasize about when you masturbate or when you are with your partner and you need to talk about things you hope to make a reality in the future. You also need to speak of what you are okay keeping fantasy, and what you want to work toward making a reality.
Time to talk tough.
If your know damn well you don’t want to die without having a FFM threesome, this is the time to tell them that.
If you know you really want to try group sex, say it now or forever hold your peace.
If you are not as straight as you have lead your partner to believe, and you know this might be an issue sometime in the future. Here is your chance.
If anal sex is a must for you,giving or receiving, better speak up.
If oral sex simply must be part of the discussion, say it now.
If bondage, submission/dominance is something you know you are geared towards, say it now.
I don’t care how outlandish your thing might be, you better damn well tell any potential long term commitment what it is.
Public sex, foot fetish, cross dressing – Let it all out.
Lastly, you better be prepared to hear things you might not expect. You need to be an adult about this conversation. We all have our things and this is no time for judgement about anything. Hear them out, Listen to what they are telling you is important to them and tell them what is important to you.
This is the time for the ultimate in communication, cooperation, compassion and compromise. Yes compromise. Think long and hard about what you are listening to and ask yourself “Is this person worth me compromising sexually?” I mean real compromise, the type without blame and resentment attached to it. Is what they are asking for something I can not only live with, but embrace because I love them? More than likely, you will also be asking them to do the same for you, but maybe not.
If the answer is no, it is a deal breaker, than you have to walk away. You walk away for you, and even more so, for them. If you ask them to ditch their desires for as as a condition of your long term relationship, you are asking them to lie to you…and they will. If you are telling them their desires are gross and disgusting, they will bury them in shame for now. For now. If the answer is no, you go find someone that matches what you are willing to give.
If the answer is yes, you think you can accommodate their potential desires now and in the future, then you stick to that. You do it without anger, resentment or blame, You do it out of love.
A caveat to this – If you don’t lay all your kink cards out on the table early, you have only yourself to blame when you find out a year, two years, five years or ten years down the line that they are deal breakers for your partner. They aren’t to blame. You are.
Also, if you, ten years down the line decide that something you never spoke about is so important to you sexually that you simple must do it. You have an obligation to speak up immediately about it and must accept that you changing your boundaries does not mean they also have to change theirs. You better be prepared for this all important thing to also mean the end of your relationship.
This is one of the many topics I will be talking about in my Relationships 301 series. I hope you tune in and if you have questions or comments, by all means post them or write to me privately.